A question: Who is the odd one out between Dale Kenyon, Tyrone Owen, Michael Parker and the Honey Monster? Read on for the answer.
Crime watch reveal the main suspects
One man who wasn't quite so relaxed was Sharpy, who had to manage the side thanks to Milesy conveniently booking the pre-season tour to Mexico too late to invite the rest of the squad. His first headache was who to play in goal, as Ty was injured. Amazingly he had two volunteers, and it was agreed that Dale would wear the infamous green outfit for the first half, with Scott replacing him at half time. The new rule being trialled in this competition meant that Sharpy had the luxury of naming 5 substitutes and using rolling changes. He still had to pick a starting eleven, and went with the following:
ppppppppppppppppDale
LukeppppppRobppppNikippppEye-Ball
RyanppppppTapsellpppppMikeyppppppScott
ppppppppppppHarryppppNathan (c)
subs: Bunny, Nick, Al, Browne, Milly
The game had been moved from Basildon to a nice set up in Benfleet, complete with tea hut, roped off pitch and dug outs. However not all were happy: the bacon wasn't to Sharpy's taste, and the tea hut didn't have a stash of Stella for Tapsell and Browne. There is no pleasing some people.
With the sun shining, the Oaks soon got into their stride on a wide, well maintained pitch that offered a bit of zipped thanks to a heavy dew. We weren't too sure what to expect from Vichouse - who play in the equivalent league to the Oaks in Southend. We soon learnt that they were a physical side who were happy to mix it up, but could also pass the ball around effectively. The early chances fell to the Oaks, and Harry in particular who on more than one occasion latched on to good through balls. Unfortunately his attempts sailed just over or wide of the mark; still it was obvious that if we kept on like this we would soon be in the lead.
The Oaks were getting a lot of joy down the flanks, with young guns Ryan and Scott terrorising the Vichouse full backs. They both put in crosses that could have ended in goals, with Mikey arriving late in the box to head Ryan's cross goal wards and Scott taking advantage of a defensive mix up to put a blistering ball across the box that was met on the stretch at the back post by Bunny (who had replaced Luke who was unfortunate to pick up an injury in the first half). On both occasions the target was just missed, but on another day we could have already been talking about contenders for goal of the season.
It has already been mentioned that this was quite a physical match up, but a certain ginger number 8, playing in the centre of midfield, was taking it a bit too far. A series of dangerous challenges led to angry confrontations, but with ultimately no action being taken by the referee. So obvious was his rule breaking, that on one occasion he even proclaimed "I actually tried to get the ball that time". Fortunately no-one got hurt through his antics, which caused as much frustration for his own team as anyone else, as it meant they were constantly defending free-kicks. The good news for the Oaks that it wasn't our ginger number 8 being an arse (not that Tapsell ever is of course!), and eventually the referee must have given him a final warning as he went quiet towards the end of the half, as he eventually came to terms with the fact that he was the top red-headed dog on show.
The breakthrough for the Oaks came from one of the many free kicks conceded by Vichouse (but not actually the number 8 on this occasion). It was awarded when Scott turned his man and was brought down on the edge of the box in a very similar position to that from which the Oaks scored their winner in the opening game of the season. Ryan once again stood over the ball, but this time shot for goal. The ball rebounded to Tapsell, whose effort was also blocked. This time the ball fell to Rob on the edge of D, and he took one touch to get the ball out from his feet before looping it over the keeper into the roof of the net for a rare (and maybe even first) goal from outside the box: 0-1.
Vichouse rarely troubled the Oaks goal in the first half, with the only half chances coming when their lone striker's shot from the right was well smothered by Dale, and a dangerous ball to the back post that was landing right on the same striker's head was glanced behind for a corner by Eye-Ball. Niki and Rob were in their usual domineering mood at the heart of defence and were rewarded with a clean sheet at half time.
The rule change for substitutes was definitely welcome as Sharpy was forced to make a second substitution at half time as Eye-Ball had a Baptism to attend. Steve Browne replaced him, and the rest of the re-shuffle saw Scott replace Dale in goal, who now partnered Harry up front with Nathan moving to the right and Bunny to the left. Despite this Sharpy would still be able to bring on Nick, Al and Milly at some point.
I have to apologise for the sketchy details of the second half, as I only saw ten minutes between getting changed and leaving. Thanks to Sharpy and Mikey for giving me the important facts, but there are some gaps around assists that we'll have to clear up next week.
The Oaks extended their lead early in the second half when the new strike partnership linked to devastating effect, with Dale chipping the ball into the box for Harry to head home: 0-2.
So we've now had a long range goal from Rob, a headed goal from H, and two ginger number eights. If you think this game couldn't get any weirder just read on.
The two goal lead didn't last long as a Vichouse player was given time and space to shoot low and hard from the edge of the box. Scott managed to get finger tips to it, but couldn't prevent the ball from nestling in the bottom corner: 1-2.
Rather than signalling a comeback for Vichouse, this goal seemed to galvanise the Oaks with two further good chances being created before I had even left. Firstly Mikey played a killer through ball for Dale who raced into the box but dragged his shot wide, and then a loose ball in the box fell to Tapsell who poked wide under pressure from the goalkeeper.
The Oaks were playing with a real swagger now, and even Niki was starting to show off, as one minute he was putting in a crunching covering tackle and the next he was flicking the ball over an opposing player's head before setting the Oaks on yet another attack.
Sharpy's tactical and personnel changes had really paid off up to this point, and his next changed proved to have just as big an impact as he replaced Harry with Nick. The BFJ was soon in on the action as the Oaks broke, and his through ball was perfect for Dale to beat the keeper one-on-one: 1-3.
This goal meant that Dale joins the glamorous list of players who have played in goal for the Oaks, and have also scored. As well as Tyrone and Parker, I believe Sharpy, Scott and Deano would also claim to be members of this elite club, with Luke being the most likely to be next. In answer to the earlier question, unless you thought it was about personal hygiene, the Honey Monster is the obvious odd one out. Although he has famously scored and played in goal, this was for two different clubs - Manchester United and Newcastle United.
The flood gates now opened, with the Oaks scoring three more goals before the final whistle. First Nick was rewarded for his assist with a goal of his own as he finished from close range (assist up for grabs), and then he again turned provider as he squared the ball for Dale to slot into an empty net. Dale was on hand again to finish the job, and collect his hat-trick as he reacted first to slot home the ball after the keeper could only parry someone's (missing another assist) long range effort: 1-6.
Although we don't do Man of the Match rewards, to play in goal for 45 minutes, keep a clean sheet and then score a second half hat-trick (and get one assist) must be worth a special mention. It just goes to prove what a great addition to the squad Dale is going to be this year (he's much better than that bloke Darren who played in the last game), and with first Ryan and now Dale joining the Oaks from the Kenyon conveyor belt I wonder what's next. Perhaps Alec will dust his boots off, although with a kid’s game on the adjacent pitch he appeared to be a lot more interested in MILF hunting than football.
I don't remember the Oaks making it through the first round of the Essex Cup (in the six previous seasons I have played at least) so this was a great day, and more important is that we keep the momentum going into our league game next week.
Eye-Ball
Next game: 14 October @ Home v SSC Orsett - 1030 KO
Goal scoring chart
I've given the assist for Rob's goal to Tapsell as I believe he had the shot that fell to Rob (I'm sure I'll be corrected if wrong). I also think Al replaced Mikey, and have assumed that Milly got on. Don't forget there are two assists up for grabs for Nick's goal and Dale's hat-trick strike.
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