Aveley Academicals 12 – 1 Chadwell

The rumour mongers were out in force in the lead up to this game; spreading tales of how the Thurrock Sunday League Premier Division elite would be turning out for the “Get Chadwell some points” appeal.  Fortunately it takes more than one ringer to make a church bell ringing team, and although most of the opposition seemed to be known to each other affectionately by their shirt number, Chadwell hadn’t managed to muster sufficient quality to stop the Accies having their day of fun in the sun.  We were somewhat relieved by this, as although Chadwell’s hero of a manager deserves something for the way he is refusing to let his club die, there was no way we wanted to be remembered as the team who gifted them their first and only points of the campaign.

The Accies were missing H and Blakey, who were off sipping champagne at Aintree, but despite also missing Bobby, Scott and Brian the Gaffa was still able to name a strong team.  In fact, such was his confidence in the team that he even named himself in the starting eleven, alongside Charlie – who like Lennie the week before returned despite not seeing us at our best.

Subs: Terry

The great thing about the Accies scoring so many goals (possibly the most I have ever had to describe) is that there is no need for any fillers, and as we are at the business end I appreciate people just want to be reminded of who scored, and who is being credited with the assist.  So I’ll just set the scene for each half and then get on with talking goals!

The mention of fun in the sun earlier was slightly tongue-in-cheek coming from your pasty match reporter.  It was bloody hot!  In fact the hottest day of the year with temperatures around the 25 degrees Celsius mark.  So you would think the tactic would be to build slowly, and work the ball up the pitch.  The Accies had other ideas, and although Liam and Charlie (but not the Gaffa) were definitely getting a lot of joy from chasing balls over the top, this surely was a suicidal approach in the sweltering conditions.  Fortunately the referee was sympathetic, and scheduled a drinks break half way through each half.  The 6-1 half time score line somewhat flattered us overall, when it was Charlie’s qualityin creating the goals that really stood the two sides apart.  He may be surprised to find that he is not credited with the seven assists he was claiming, but then he can’t be blamed for not understanding the intricate nature of the Dubious Goals Committees’ decision making process.

1-0: Gaffa (g) – Charlie (a)

Having already had a fine header ruled out for offside when Robin was the one infringing (there is some previous there), the Gaffa wasn’t going to be denied again as he arrived at the back post to prod home Charlie’s pin-point cross from the right.

2-0: Gaffa (g) – Charlie (a)

Almost a carbon copy of the first, as Charlie once again broke clear on the right before putting in a perfect low cross.  This time the Gaffa did his best to fluff his lines, but the ball thankfully nestled in the corner as it was hit back in the direction from which it had come.

3-0: Luke (g) – Charlie (a)

Same story, different scorer.  This time Luke played the ball down the wing for Charlie to give chase, and the full back he continued his run into the box so that Charlie could pick him out for the easiest of tap ins and surprisingly Luke’s first goal of the season.

3-1: 

The one stain on the copy book, as Chadwell’s striker was allowed to cut inside on the left and play the ball over to the back post, where much like a hot dog bun being squeezed too hard, the Chadwell player popped out from an Eye-Ball/James sandwich with the ball at his feet and the goal only six yards away.  Lewis got a hand to it, but didn’t stand a chance. This started a 10 minute period where we started to panic and let Chadwell play, but fortunately goal 4 arrived just in time to settle our fragile nerves.

4-1:  Robin (g) – Craig (a)

With the front men fluffing numerous chances (noticeably Charlie kept hitting the same spot 5 yards to the left of the goal and Liam kept giving the keeper back-passes), it was down to Robin to show them how it is done.  Craig crossed deep from the right, which resulted in Robin’s first touch being a back-peddling header, and his second a firmly struck shot with his left that rose into the roof of the net.

5-1:  James (g) – Liam (a)

Charlie was involved down the right again, but this time had to admit that he attempted a shot into the far corner.  The ball was going out of play on the left, but Liam did well to flick it back from the bye-line where James was on hand to lift it into the roof of the net with his left.

6-1: Charlie (g) – Lee (a)

Lee had been a pretty frustrated figure in the first half, as the ball all too frequently by-passed the midfield.  However, he showed what he can do when he gets the ball to feet, as he glided past the defence into the box, before pulling the ball back for Charlie to fire into the net just before the ref blew for half time.

We created far too many chances to describe (or remember) them all here, but one moment that can’t go unmentioned was a sublime effort from Craig.  Clean through on goal, he could have easily tried to place the ball past the on-rushing keeper but, as we know, there has to be a touch of class in every Craig does.  On this occasion he lifted the ball over the goalie, but it wouldn’t quite lose altitude quick enough; hitting the underside of the bar and bouncing away.

The second half was unrecognisable from the first in all but the continuous stream of goals.  Chadwell had all but thrown in the towel, and Lee took control of the tempo; encouraging his team mates to play it out from the back, and dropping deep to collect the ball to make himself the link between defence and attack.  This may have frustrated the front men a bit as they stood watching Lennie, Lewis, Robin, Eye-Ball and James interchange passes, but then we needed something to do!

7-1: Luke (g) – Charlie (a)

Luke (now playing on the wing having swapped full back duties with Lennie) kicked off the scoring in the second half, as he finished off a great team moved that saw a number of players interchanging passes, with Charlie playing the final killer ball for Luke to slot home.

8-1: Liam (g) – Lewis (a)

There is no player whose contribution is reflected less by the goal scoring chart than Lewis.  It was therefore nice that he finally made a mark against one of the recorded metrics.  The keeper’s long clearance sent Liam racing clear on the left, and he showed excellent composure to round Lewis’s opposite number before sliding the ball into an empty net.

9-1: Charlie (g) – Lee (a)

The best finish of the game (so far).  Lee broke down the right and crossed into a crowded box, where Charlie arrived just in time to redirect the ball into the net with a nonchalant flick with his right foot after the ball had passed him (easier to do than describe).

10-1:  Craig (g) – Terry (a)

The box was crowded, and the ball bouncing around, but finally Terry got it down and with his back to goal laid it off to Craig on the right side of the box.  Craig then curled the ball first time with his left into the far corner, out of the reach of the exhausted and destroyed Chadwell keeper.

11-1: Lee (g) – Robin (a)

With one eye on the golden boot, Lee decided it was time to take matters into his own hands.  He started by collecting the ball from Robin just inside the opposition half, before skipping past a couple of challenges which created a clear path to goal.  Lee duly trod the red carpet that had been laid out before him, and placed the ball into the corner of the net.

12-1: Lee (g) – Liam (a)

It all started with Liam running seemingly pointlessly across the box, but ended with a front runner for goal of the season.  His lay off to Lee about 25 yards out sat up nicely, and he hit with power across the ball first time with his left.  From their ringside seats on the half way line, Eye-Ball and Robin had the perfect view to see the ball’s original path taking it wide of the goal, before it seemed to realise its error as it swung viciously back in towards the right-hand upright.  It moved just enough to catch the inside of post and be sent across the goal and onto the left post before coming to rest in the back of the net.  It was a fantastic goal, that was comparable to the type of strike Roberto Carlos sometimes pulled out of the bag (in fact thinking of free kick conversion as well it would appear Lee has more in common with the Brazilian legend than just a sweet left foot).  The difference is that whilst Carlos’s goals would be getting millions of hits on YouTube, Lee will have to make do with this description, and an artist’s impression:

With the goal-fest described, I just need to mention another couple of supporting roles.  Lewis deserved a clean sheet, and was in a large part responsible for keeping it down to just one in the against column (which ensured our goal difference returned to positive!) with a fine diving save to his right.  Conor also made a cameo appearance as he replaced Luke on the right.  He had chances to score, but perhaps showed his subconscious instinct to keep the ball out of the net.

I don’t think Charlie begrudged the MoTM award going to Lee, but he did mention his seven assists (onrfour according to the committee) and two goals on more than one occasion.  However, perhaps Lee’s storming second half performance both in assisting the defence and getting involved in attacks – not to mention that strike – was what swung it for the voters.  Saying that, he had a bit of an unfair advantage given the opportunities the referee gave him to satisfy his addiction.  Strictly speaking the breaks were meant to be to take on water, but Lee found inhaling nicotine to be a far more productive and effective use of the time.

It’s hard to pick a DoTD following such a positive and enjoyable display, but Harry will be relieved to hear it wasn’t one of the front runners who took the award. I think it went to Liam for letting a number of chances go begging, but there was one in particular that sticks in the mind, where the ball was played across and missed by all of the three players who were queuing up on the six yards box.  Liam was the last to attempt to score, and his air kick was deemed the worst attempt of the bunch.

After the few weeks we’ve had, this game was a welcome light relief.  However, we’ve set ourselves a pretty high bar ahead of playing Chadwell again next week – in what will be our last game of the season.  If we don’t at least match the performance (even if the score line can’t be bettered) then it won’t be the end to the season we would have wanted.  It was great to see everyone playing with confidence, a smile and a little swagger, so let’s take that into next week and finish in style.

Eye-Ball

Goal scoring chart

Apart from Lee closing in on Liam, very little else changed at the top, with the main movers being at the bottom with Charlie, Luke, Craig and Robin leapfrogging Harry.  But then we know it is the final column that matters to H, and just needs to be more of a cock than Terry in the final game to regain his title.

Aveley Academicals 1 – 5 Scruttons

Whilst most of us have been distracted by the contest between Liam and Lee for the golden boot, it would appear that one man has been concentrating on another column.  If we reorder the table, it becomes instantly clear why the undisputed 2 times champion is worried about someone else walking away from the awards night with a large (based on the picture anyway) plastic cock.  As with three games remaining, no less than 11 (although realistically only five) could pip the reigning champ to the crown – or even worse he might have to share it.

He obviously realised he was going to have to work hard for the award this week, after Liam made an early claim by curiously naming a starting eleven that had Eye-Ball partnering Robin at the back, and Blakey on the bench.   This could have been seen as sending a message of culpability to our best centre half, for going to watch a game at Anfield the previous week rather whilst our defence crumbled, but it turned out to be a simple error with Robin being the intended recipient of the orange bib.  As you would expect from such a great club (and all round) legend, Rob didn’t moan or complain and instead was more than happy to run the line before replacing Eye-Ball for the last half hour.

Subs: Robin, Scott

Surely chasing the overall DoTD title can be the only explanation for a series of incidents that started with the Don of the Dong turning up on time for the first time this season, only to then discover he’d left home without the essential kit for playing football – i.e. boots and shin pads.  Next, Captain Cock’s determination to wriggle his way out from between three opposition players lead to him being disposed, and one pass later we had conceded the opening goal of the game.  Then to cap it off, the Boss of the Boner threw all his sex toys out of the pram and stormed off at half time.  Only to be coaxed back thanks to some delicate fluffing from Bobby.  At which point Lord Love Muscle had to endure considerable haranguing from the opposition, as he trudged back across to pitch to re-join his harem for the second half.

In H’s defence, we didn’t play well in the first half, but thanks to a towering header by Blakey from Craig’s corner, a fine flying save to his right by Lewis and a goal line clearance from Eye-Ball, we were only one goal down at the break.

What Harry finally managed to articulate, was that we needed to start showing a bit of fight and get stuck into the opposition.  In the first forty five we had stood off too much, and at times didn’t look interested in putting in a challenge.  I think he would have been happier with the second half, and although we conceded more goals than in the first, these were from individual moments that were not reflective of the performance as a whole.  Lennie – who showed a lot about his character by coming back despite our drubbing last week – was unfortunate to concede a penalty when he tracked back with Scruttons’ tricky winger.  Then Eye-Ball conceded a free kick on the edge of the box which couldn’t have been placed any more perfectly into the top corner, and Lewis had a rare blooper as his spilled a ball right at the feet of an opposition player.

Player availability was once again an issue, but after introducing Lennie last week the Gaffa convinced another player, Charlie, to come over this week.  He was a pretty lonely figure up top in this game, but is another potential quality addition to the squad if he can be convinced to make a permanent move.  Scott also returned, and played really well when he came on for Terry.  He gave us a little more directness, and the quality he has with his left foot was something we had been missing up to then.

Voting for DoTD was not required, with H pulling one clear of Terry.  The votes were more spread for MoTM, with Bobby and Eye-Ball picking up some of the votes but a superb goal and solid performance – which shows what we miss whenever he isn’t there – saw the award deservedly go to Blakey.

The light at the end of the tunnel, after a tough run of results, is two games in two weeks against rock bottom side Chadwell; who with 17 defeats out of 17 and a goal difference of -100 have the worst record in the Thurrock Sunday League.  To finish the season with two victories would be great, but we know all too well that nothing is certain, and we still need to turn up with a strong side and the right attitude if things are to go our way.

Eye-Ball

Goal scoring chart

Aveley Academicals 0 - 7 FC Deportivo Thurrock

For two sides who, over a number of years, have always been evenly matched and been involved in some titanic battles to exchange thrashings of this scale suggests something was not right on both occasions.  I mentioned in the report of our 0-8 victory that Deportivo were a weaker side than we'd been used to facing, and whilst it seems they have now sorted out their squad and improved as the season has gone on, the Accies have gone the other way and are struggling to find eleven players let alone name a consistent team.  With that in mind it is perhaps not so surprising that the shoe was very much on the other foot, with Deportivo enacting what must have felt like sweet revenge, and totally humiliating their opponents in the process.

Although the squad (or lack of) issues was obviously a contributing factor - the score line wouldn't have looked quite so bad if Lewis could have been replaced after picking up an injury during the first goal that mean he couldn't lift one of his arms - those who were there can make no excuses for a performance in which we were second best in every facet of the game.  We lost every header, were second to every ball, let the opposition run through us without putting in a tackle, couldn't string any passes together, looked woefull in both attack and defense, and didn't play for each other.

Credit where it is due though to our opposition; they were obviously up for this game, and sensing our weakness they fully capitalised.  They scored some really good goals, including a couple of long range efforts (which Lewis assures me he would have saved if he could have lifted his right arm), a powering header from an inch perfect cross, and a sublime dink over Lewis as he came out to close down the angle.  Overall, they created good chances and took them, and the score line fully confirms their dominance.

There isn't much more I want to say about this game, but it should be pointed out that we looked really good for the first ten minutes; we passed the ball well, kept possession and looked relaxed and confident.  Then we conceded a soft goal and it all fell apart!  Of the other incidents that are worth mentioning, there was a chance for Terry to get the score back to 1-1 almost immediately but he skewed his shot wide after a mazy run into the box.  Also, one battle that was won by an Accie was by Eye-Ball, as a nasty clash of heads left both men spouting blood, but only one able to continue. (It might have been the only header we won as well!)  Also, with the squad creaking at the seams, the Gaffa is already trying to identify new recruits for next season - we just hope seeing this performance won't put potential new players off!

MoTM votes were split between the central pairing of H and Lee, with H just edging it.  They both put in a hell of a shift, but for much of the game were left chasing shadows, or running in circles looking for someone to pass the ball to.  The decision was taken to award DoTD to the entire squad, which reflects the fact that we're all in this together and so if you weren't there (valid excuse or not) this was as much your humiliating defeat as it was those who had to witness it.

You know what they say about every cloud, and although we'd obviously love to erase this game from our memories, maybe it will act as a catalyst to fire us up to regain some pride as the season draws to an end.

Eye-Ball

Goal scoring chart

Scruttons 3 – 2 Aveley Academicals

Looking at the bare facts of the match, you would have to say that Aveley threw away a two goal lead in losing this match.  However, we were probably as surprised as our opposition to be two goals up inside the first 25 minutes.  Despite being about half a dozen games behind everyone else, Scruttons still have a record that suggests they are title contenders and although this was probably the best time to face them given their tough midweek cup final defeat, they still had just enough in the tank to beat us with the very last kick of the game.

The squad was creaking yet again, but at least this time we could name Scott and his doppelganger on the bench.

Subs: Scott, Scott II

This was a scrappy game, that was dominated by Blackshots’ trademark crosswind.  Much of the game was spent chasing the ball as it made its determined attempt to reach the long jump pit at Thurrock Harriers.  The home side were also frustrated by Aveley’s superb defensive line, and directed their anger, caused by hearing the frequent sound of the referee’s whistle, at the excellent linesman (and part time club captain).  However, the truth of the matter was that Foggy was spot on every time, and they should have been blaming the striker for not timing his runs.  Or even the passer for sending the ball too late.

The early impression was that Liam and Terry could exploit a lack of pace in the opposition back line, but in fact it was strength and guile from Liam that lead to us taking an unexpected lead.  H played the ball forward, and Liam rolled the defender as he tried to nip in front, leaving him clear through and with time to slot the ball into the bottom corner: 0-1.

Frequent mistakes were now frustrating Scruttons, and they were made to pay by Terry as his pressure led to a dodgy back pass.  The keeper panicked on the left hand side of his area, and scuffed his clearance to Terry.  The big man calmly brought the ball inside and found the empty net from 20 yards: 0-2.

Our downfall for the first, and indeed all three goals we conceded was being slower than the opposition to the second ball.  Whilst Eye-Ball got in the way of the initial shot, the ball fell kindly for a Scruttons player, who had time to pick his spot: 1-2.

We could have not complaints about our first half performance, and once Lee had been patched up – his ankle having given up in the first 10 minutes – we were ready to go again.

The second half was a combative, yet uninspiring affair, with both sides struggling to find any rhythm or create any clear cut chances.  The tackling was firm, but in the most part it was a good spirited contest.

Scruttons drew level when the Accies were slow to react to a rebound when Lewis parried a shot from the edge of the box, and the unmarked (and arguably offside) man was able to tap home from 8 yards: 2-2.

The momentum was now with the home side, and although I remember Liam blasting a good chance over the bar, I don’t recall us creating many other clear cut chances.  Just when we thought we had done enough to hold on for a good point, Scruttons’s lively winger broke down the left and put the ball low into a crowded box. Despite reading the pullback, Eye-Ball and Lee couldn’t get the ball clear through a sea of bodies.  I’m not entirely sure what happened after this as I was picking myself up from the middle of the area, but I believe the shot came in from the right and despite Lewis being well positioned and the Accies have plenty of men back (including Brian who had somehow wandered off the pitch behind the goal), the ball ended up in the back of the net.  The referee blew up straight after kick-off and we were left feeling both disappointed with the result, and happy with the way we had played for each other: 3-2.

MoTM went to Lee, who covered every blade of grass over the 90 minutes, the injury to his left ankle.  DoTD went to Luke, for a tame shot after some great work down the right which I think may have actually been stopped by a passing ant.

Eye-Ball

Goal scoring chart

Stifford Clays 2 - 3 Aveley Academicals

Stifford Clays 2-3 Aveley Academicals

As this match was being played, I was about 160 miles away running a half marathon in Bath.  However, you can imagine my delight to discover that the Accies had made it back to back victories, and in doing so had avenged the defeat at the hands of this opposition just a couple of weeks before.

It was a strong – albeit it small – squad that was available for this match and I’m sure having our first choice midfield (taking Foggy’s long term injury into account) available was a key factor against a side who had shown that this was where their strength lied as well.

Stifford Clays took the lead from the spot, when Luke brought down their player, but the Accies hit back through Liam, who was put through by Lee and placed the ball beyond the keeper: 1-1.

The Accies then extended their lead thanks to a mistake from the Stifford Clays keeper, who may have been showing a bit a loyalty to the club his Dad – Jason Barnes – represented for a number of years.  Jason was watching, and despite his connection with the club I’m sure he wouldn’t have wanted to see his son let a shot-come-cross from James slip through his hands and into the net.  Still, James would have been over the moon to claim his first goal of the season, and it also meant another assist for Liam: 1-2.

The lead was then extended through a terrific effort from another player bagging their first goal of the season.  Craig stepped inside before unleashing a venomous strike from somewhere between 20 and 30 yards.  I’ve heard it was unstoppable, but that the assist was even better.  (That’s right isn’t it Liam?): 1-3.

Stifford Clays hit back in the second half, and may have snatched a late point if Lewis hadn’t capped off a MoTM performance with a breath-taking save to ensure all three points went to the Accies.

I’m not sure who was officially voted DoTD or the reason, but I’m sure I’ll be told and will update the report and chart accordingly.

Eye-Ball

Goal scoring chart