Talking to Dale in the pub this week brought to my attention
the fact that my weekly match reports are vital to ensuring the regularity of
his bowel movements. With that in mind,
I am endeavouring to get this match report written as soon as possible to avoid
any unintended health complications.
You’re never sure what you are going to come up against in
the Essex Junior Cup, and searching for teams on the internet can lead to making
rash conclusions about the quality of the opposition, given that we rarely know
anything about the league in which they play.
However our assumption that Great Clacton – bottom of the bottom (of 2)
Clacton and District leagues – would be making the 65 mile trip back home
having received a good spanking from Sharpy’s purple and black army was proven
to be true.
We know that work and non-football related commitments are
going to make it almost impossible for Sharpy to name the same team two weeks
in a row, and from struggling to find four defenders last week, this week there
were at least seven really good options to make up the back four. The problem this time was in goal, and with
Foggy and Liam both being below full match fitness, the absence of Jake and the
need for a strong presence in the centre of midfield meant Liam was handed the
gloves. It was also clear to this
particular match reporter that the only reason Brian was given the nod at left
back was so that team BR-YAN could be formed down the left – I just can’t
compete with that!
Subs – Eye-Ball, Rob
It was evident even before the kick-off that we should have
too much for the Essex sea-siders, and so it proved with four goals being
scored in both halves without Clements ever really getting out of second
gear. Liam actually played really well
in goal, and was only denied a clean sheet when, with the score at 4-0 he
temporarily forgot that he was in goal and tried to dribble the ball out of his
area. His injury promptly flared up, and
a hasty clearance resulted in the surprisingly mobile Clacton forward finding
space to cross, to which was applied a tame finish which squirted between
Liam’s legs. Although this resulted in a
nomination for DoTD, that honour went to Brian for repeatedly failing to
execute a legal throw-in. See, it’s not
easy being a left back…
Robin would have been sadder than anyone to hear (on more
than one occasion) that Nathan was hanging up his boots, as a significant
proportion of his half dozen or so goals a season came from N.A.T.H.A.Ns (see
old match reports for definition).
Fortunately he has found a new ally in Dale, whose long throw into the
box was nodded into the corner of the net by the club veteran: 1-0.
If the first goal was old school Stoke, the second was
modern day West Ham (match reporter’s prerogative). Foggy received the ball in the middle of the
park, and swept it out wide to Chris on the right. He then played it forward for Dale, who pulled
the ball back into the box where H arrived just at the right time to take a
touch and sweep it into the net: 2-0.
With the same three players contributing all ten goals in
our opening three games, but with one of these players missing (unlucky Ryan)
and another in goal, it was refreshing to see some new names taking their
chance to get on the score sheet. The
same three players have been dominating the assists as well, and although H
couldn’t claim the goal as the defender headed past his own keeper, he did get the
penultimate touch following Luke’s probing ball into the box and so picked up
the assist: 3-0.
Sharpy had been making a nuisance of himself, and had been
linking up well with his little brother on the left (if Ryan had been there we
could have had three sets of brothers on the pitch at the same time – but he
had to spoil it). He hadn’t had much
luck when the ball fell to him near the goal, but showed there is more in his armoury
than just goals, as a perfect cross from the left was gratefully slotted into
the empty net at the back post by Dale: 4-0.
At half time Sharpy made what would have appeared to be the
least attacking substitution possible, as he brought on Eye-Ball for the second
half in place of Lil’ Ryan. However,
this meant a re-shuffle which saw Brian move to right back, and Luke to the
left wing. We know that Luke likes to
get forward when he is at full back, so it was going to be interesting to see
what he would do now that he was starting in a more advanced position.
Clements really stepped off the gas in the second half, and
it took the aforementioned consolation goal from Clacton to wake them from
their doze. The goals did finally
arrive, and the gaffer was much more impressed with our performance in final half
hour, as one-twos and smart little triangles saw us play the ball confidently
from back to front.
Robin and Dale combined to get us going again with the
latter’s out-swinging corner being headed into the net, as Robin once again
found himself unmarked in the six yard box: 4-1.
The roll-on-roll-off subs rule in the Essex Cup enabled
Sharpy to make two more changes in the second half. Firstly Rob replaced Alex, who had done a
good job in keeping Clacton’s striker quiet – and possibly made a friend for
life in the process. Rob quickly showed
that he has the potential to be a natural successor to the other Rob, as within
minutes of coming on he had won a crunching header in the box which resulted in
Clacton’s substitute leaving the pitch with a gash above the eye – add this to
the five minutes the sub was on the pitch, and he must have really felt the 130
mile round trip was worth it. Actually
this isn’t quite how Robin would have done it, as it would have been him having
Milesy apply a big slab of Vaseline to his head.
The other change saw Lil’Ryan replace Foggy, who had done
extremely well in his first game back in the centre of midfield. This change resulted in Luke playing in his
third position of the day as he joined Dale up front. This paid off almost instantly when Brian
wriggled free in midfield before putting H clear. With Luke running alongside him H unselfishly
played the ball into the young Chaplin’s path, and he slotted home for his
first Clements goal. There was a
suspicion of an own goal, but it was allowed to stand: 6-1.
Dale once again benefited from Sharpy’s delivery, as the
gaffer raced clear down the left flank, before crossing for Dale to bury with
ease: 7-1.
Luke then completed the scoring (unless you believe the
referee who thought we scored nine), when he prevented Dale extending his lead
in the goal scoring standings further by knocking the ball in just before it
crossed the line after Sharpy had put Dale through. Sharpy was the big loser here, because at
least Dale could claim his fourth assist of the game: 8-1.
Dale must be wondering what he has to do to win MoTM, as
despite two goals and four assists he still lost out to Robin in a three way
vote which also included Luke. Perhaps the
heavy touch that put the ball out for a goal kick when he looked certain to
score after being put through by H was still playing on some minds – such are
the high standards Dale has set over the last two seasons. Still, Robin was more than deserving of the
award thanks to his two goals that swung the game in our favour in either half,
and a typically solid performance at the back.
Next week will be a much tougher test against league leaders
Lakeside, but if we play with the confidence and positive attitude with which
we approached this game we can definitely come out on top.
Eye-Ball
Next game: Sunday 2nd November @ home v Lakeside.
Goal scoring chart*
*An assist was credited to Luke last week when Dale actually got the final touch, so this has been corrected. That's the risk of not going down the pub.
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