Clements Athletic 8 - 1 Great Clacton (Essex Cup Round 2)

Talking to Dale in the pub this week brought to my attention the fact that my weekly match reports are vital to ensuring the regularity of his bowel movements.  With that in mind, I am endeavouring to get this match report written as soon as possible to avoid any unintended health complications.

You’re never sure what you are going to come up against in the Essex Junior Cup, and searching for teams on the internet can lead to making rash conclusions about the quality of the opposition, given that we rarely know anything about the league in which they play.  However our assumption that Great Clacton – bottom of the bottom (of 2) Clacton and District leagues – would be making the 65 mile trip back home having received a good spanking from Sharpy’s purple and black army was proven to be true.

We know that work and non-football related commitments are going to make it almost impossible for Sharpy to name the same team two weeks in a row, and from struggling to find four defenders last week, this week there were at least seven really good options to make up the back four.  The problem this time was in goal, and with Foggy and Liam both being below full match fitness, the absence of Jake and the need for a strong presence in the centre of midfield meant Liam was handed the gloves.  It was also clear to this particular match reporter that the only reason Brian was given the nod at left back was so that team BR-YAN could be formed down the left – I just can’t compete with that!

Subs – Eye-Ball, Rob

It was evident even before the kick-off that we should have too much for the Essex sea-siders, and so it proved with four goals being scored in both halves without Clements ever really getting out of second gear.  Liam actually played really well in goal, and was only denied a clean sheet when, with the score at 4-0 he temporarily forgot that he was in goal and tried to dribble the ball out of his area.  His injury promptly flared up, and a hasty clearance resulted in the surprisingly mobile Clacton forward finding space to cross, to which was applied a tame finish which squirted between Liam’s legs.  Although this resulted in a nomination for DoTD, that honour went to Brian for repeatedly failing to execute a legal throw-in.  See, it’s not easy being a left back…

Robin would have been sadder than anyone to hear (on more than one occasion) that Nathan was hanging up his boots, as a significant proportion of his half dozen or so goals a season came from N.A.T.H.A.Ns (see old match reports for definition).  Fortunately he has found a new ally in Dale, whose long throw into the box was nodded into the corner of the net by the club veteran: 1-0.

If the first goal was old school Stoke, the second was modern day West Ham (match reporter’s prerogative).  Foggy received the ball in the middle of the park, and swept it out wide to Chris on the right.  He then played it forward for Dale, who pulled the ball back into the box where H arrived just at the right time to take a touch and sweep it into the net: 2-0.

With the same three players contributing all ten goals in our opening three games, but with one of these players missing (unlucky Ryan) and another in goal, it was refreshing to see some new names taking their chance to get on the score sheet.  The same three players have been dominating the assists as well, and although H couldn’t claim the goal as the defender headed past his own keeper, he did get the penultimate touch following Luke’s probing ball into the box and so picked up the assist: 3-0.

Sharpy had been making a nuisance of himself, and had been linking up well with his little brother on the left (if Ryan had been there we could have had three sets of brothers on the pitch at the same time – but he had to spoil it).  He hadn’t had much luck when the ball fell to him near the goal, but showed there is more in his armoury than just goals, as a perfect cross from the left was gratefully slotted into the empty net at the back post by Dale: 4-0.

At half time Sharpy made what would have appeared to be the least attacking substitution possible, as he brought on Eye-Ball for the second half in place of Lil’ Ryan.  However, this meant a re-shuffle which saw Brian move to right back, and Luke to the left wing.  We know that Luke likes to get forward when he is at full back, so it was going to be interesting to see what he would do now that he was starting in a more advanced position.

Clements really stepped off the gas in the second half, and it took the aforementioned consolation goal from Clacton to wake them from their doze.  The goals did finally arrive, and the gaffer was much more impressed with our performance in final half hour, as one-twos and smart little triangles saw us play the ball confidently from back to front.

Robin and Dale combined to get us going again with the latter’s out-swinging corner being headed into the net, as Robin once again found himself unmarked in the six yard box: 4-1.

The roll-on-roll-off subs rule in the Essex Cup enabled Sharpy to make two more changes in the second half.  Firstly Rob replaced Alex, who had done a good job in keeping Clacton’s striker quiet – and possibly made a friend for life in the process.  Rob quickly showed that he has the potential to be a natural successor to the other Rob, as within minutes of coming on he had won a crunching header in the box which resulted in Clacton’s substitute leaving the pitch with a gash above the eye – add this to the five minutes the sub was on the pitch, and he must have really felt the 130 mile round trip was worth it.  Actually this isn’t quite how Robin would have done it, as it would have been him having Milesy apply a big slab of Vaseline to his head.

The other change saw Lil’Ryan replace Foggy, who had done extremely well in his first game back in the centre of midfield.  This change resulted in Luke playing in his third position of the day as he joined Dale up front.  This paid off almost instantly when Brian wriggled free in midfield before putting H clear.  With Luke running alongside him H unselfishly played the ball into the young Chaplin’s path, and he slotted home for his first Clements goal.  There was a suspicion of an own goal, but it was allowed to stand: 6-1.

Dale once again benefited from Sharpy’s delivery, as the gaffer raced clear down the left flank, before crossing for Dale to bury with ease: 7-1.

Luke then completed the scoring (unless you believe the referee who thought we scored nine), when he prevented Dale extending his lead in the goal scoring standings further by knocking the ball in just before it crossed the line after Sharpy had put Dale through.  Sharpy was the big loser here, because at least Dale could claim his fourth assist of the game: 8-1.

Dale must be wondering what he has to do to win MoTM, as despite two goals and four assists he still lost out to Robin in a three way vote which also included Luke.  Perhaps the heavy touch that put the ball out for a goal kick when he looked certain to score after being put through by H was still playing on some minds – such are the high standards Dale has set over the last two seasons.  Still, Robin was more than deserving of the award thanks to his two goals that swung the game in our favour in either half, and a typically solid performance at the back.

Next week will be a much tougher test against league leaders Lakeside, but if we play with the confidence and positive attitude with which we approached this game we can definitely come out on top.

Eye-Ball

Next game: Sunday 2^nd November @ home v Lakeside.

Goal scoring chart*

*An assist was credited to Luke last week when Dale actually got the final touch, so this has been corrected. That's the risk of not going down the pub.

Clements Athletic 4 - 2 S.S.C. Orsett

Clements made it three wins out of three, in another game that was more challenging than it should have been.  This was thanks to the ineptitude of the league as we discovered five minutes before kick-off that the referee, who had confirmed the game earlier in the week, wasn’t going to show.  You have to feel for Sharpy, who must be wondering why he ever decided to take on the manager’s role as it has caused him nothing but headaches so far.  Still, he once again showed his commitment to the side by reluctantly offering to referee the game.  Milesy never would have done it, and I don’t think Sharpy will be again.

Although we had very limited options for a starting eleven, the squad was strengthen by the return of club captain Foggy, who stepped in to the heart of defence to partner Robin.  This return is probably earlier than it should be, but with 4 defenders missing there wasn’t really any other option.

Subs: Chris

It soon became clear that this was never going to be a classic, with Orsett realising that they could play an overly physical game, safe in the knowledge that there was very little Sharpy could do about it.  The game was also spoilt by Orsett’s almost constant whinging at every decision, which lead to regular debates that wouldn’t have been out of place on Newsnight.

Still, the task at hand was the same as always – score more goals than the opposition.  The Kenyon brothers got us underway in this quest when Dale hurled a long throw from the right which Ryan got his head to in a crowded six yard box.  The ball looped up and, much to the stand-in (gloveless) keeper’s dismay, dropped under the crossbar and into the net: 1-0.

Clements extended their lead when Liam wriggled free on the touchline and pulled the ball back towards the edge of the six yard box.  Dale reacted quickest, and with one touch pushed the ball round the defender before then slipping it past the keeper with his second: 2-0.

The third goal was started by what is becoming a trademark penetrating run from Luke, who won the ball deep inside our half before beating 3 or 4 players on his way into the opposition penalty area.  The ball ricocheted off a couple of defenders before falling nicely for Liam to side foot into an empty net (which is becoming his own particular trademark).  So for the third game in the row the same three players have scored, which has to be a first: 3-0.

The best other chance of the half was created and almost finished by H, when he slalomed into the box, but couldn’t find the composure or finish to test the keeper.  It also seemed – to Ryan at least – that the ball crossed the line for a fourth time, when his thunderous drive hit the underside of the cross bar before (crossing the line?) bouncing out.

It really should have been a case now of Clements relaxing, soaking up a bit of pressure, maybe scoring a couple more goals and cruising to a victory.  However, a rash challenge from Eye-Ball in the area, as he looked to make up for being beaten by the pass inside the fullback position,  gave Orsett the belief that they could still get something from this game as they converted from the spot.  Sharpy had no option but to award a penalty, and Eye-Ball can really have no complaints for winning the DoTD prize.  Maybe conceding the penalty on its own was not enough to gain this honour, but the rashness of the challenge, and the fact that it prompted an awful 10 minutes for Clements was probably what swung it: 3-1.

This awful 10 minutes ended with Orsett scoring again when their left winger collected the ball with time and space to kill, thanks to the fact that our two wingers were exchanging numbers in the middle of the pitch having responded to Sharpy’s request to swap positions.  The ball was played into the middle, and the forward found space to shoot low under Webby’s body: 3-2.

We limped to half-time knowing that we were going to have to up our game for the second half.  We had allowed ourselves to be bullyed up to this point, and Robin took it upon himself to show that we should be giving as good as we were getting.  His second half performance was colossal, as he won every ball and every battle.  He was excellently supported in the defensive task on the right by Luke, who ensured nothing got down his side, and probably only beat Robin to the MoTM award thanks to his first half attacking runs.

The second half was a pretty turgid affair, with neither side creating many clear cut chances.  Getting the fourth goal was vital, and we thought H had found it when Ryan lifted the ball into the box where it was met six yards out by our marauding midfielder.  Unfortunately, H poked it in the one place the keeper could save it, and the ball squirted away to safety.
Ryan did get the assist he deserved when he was hacked down in the box for the second straightforward penalty decision that Sharpy had to make.  The spot kick was duly dispatch by Dale: 4-2.

The next shout for a penalty game from Orsett, when H brought down their man on the right hand side of the pitch.  It was impossible for Sharpy to tell if the offence had occurred inside or outside the area from 30 yards away, so a closer inspection of the scuff marks was required.  After a careful inspection of the two marks (one inside and one outside the area), Sharpy deduced that a free kick was the correct decision.  This obviously didn’t go down well with the opposition, but in the light of so much uncertainty I believe this is the decision that any referee would have made.

We know that we didn’t play well in this game, which in a way makes it pleasing to still get three points despite not being at our best.  With a good run of fixtures (two weeks off didn’t help), and a regular squad turning up I’m sure we will really start to gel.

Eye-Ball

Next game: Sunday 26^th October @ Home v Great Clacton – Don’t forget the clocks go back, but if you do turn up an hour early you can start putting the goals up!

Goal scoring chart

Thameside 0 - 3 Clements Athletic

The 3-0 score line in this games does not do justice to the dominance of the display, as Clements collected their second win in two against a very poor team who deserved a good thrashing.  Still, given the ridiculous nature of the build-up we should be glad that the game didn’t turn out to be one of those banana skins that these situations sometimes throw up.  Actually, there was more of a risk of slipping on doggy do-do, which was one of the many things that was left to the one side who actually seemed to want a game of football to sort out.  We cleaned up the dog mess, supplied the pegs and net ties and even sorted out the issue of having no referee, with Foggy jumping at the chance to have an excuse for showering.  We should be very grateful to our club captain, as games with a ref supplied by one of the teams far too often end in chaos, but his calmness and honesty (coupled with the indifference of the opposition), meant he was less conspicuous than some of the boys in black we usually have the displeasure of handing over thirty quid to.

With Sharpy picking up a mystery injury, he was left with 14 players to choose from, and this time decided to stick with the tried and tested 4-4-2.  With H now a bonafide central midfielder, we actually put out a side with every player in their preferred position.  One more player made his debut this week, with Alex replacing Robin (and significantly lowering the average age of the side), who was sunning himself in Ibiza (we know what he was really doing, but we wouldn’t say so).

Subs: Jonny, Rob

It was clear pretty much from the kick-off that Clements were by far the better team, but despite this it was hard to create any clear cut chances on an extremely short pitch.  It was hard to get space behind to exploit the pace of our front pair, and there were too many bodies packed around the 18 yard box to make shooting from distance effective.  Still, this didn’t stop us playing some great football, with the midfield pairing of Harry and Jake being particularly impressive.  There is a team joke that if you were to plot Jake’s heat-map, it would basically be a bush fire inside the centre circle.  However, combined with H’s movement and energy it is more like Jake is one of those rotating garden sprinklers, spraying passes into the constantly moving path of H, who is like a small child running gaily around and enjoying getting wet.

When the midfield got a bit crowded, there was always room on the wings for Chris and Ryan, and the opening goal for Clements came as a result of us exploiting this fact.  The goal started in the very bottom corner by our own corner t-shirt (yes, they didn’t have flags either).  Eye-Ball chased for the ball with Thameside’s winger, who he duly disposed before playing the ball up the line to Ryan.  With the players now distributed a little more evenly over the pitch, Ryan found space to run down the line before clipping the ball into the centre, where Dale used his pace to beat keeper and defender to the ball before calmly flicking the bouncing ball into the net with the outside of his right foot: 0-1.

It wasn’t all one way traffic, and it was noticeable from corners how much height we were giving away to the opposition, and Robin’s aerial dominance was definitely missed.  Fortunately any headed chance that did come Thameside’s was either dealt with by Webby before they could attack the ball, or ended with the ball being put wide or over.

I have already mentioned that we had a new recruit in defence, and let’s just say that he isn’t exactly a like-for-like replacement for Robin.  Whereas Robin quietly goes about his business, Alex just doesn’t shut up!  We have been accused of being a bit quiet in the past, so adding a prominent voice is no bad thing, as long as what is emanating from his mouth is positive and constructive.  His presence definitely helped the defence, not only with organisation but also with keeping us awake!  Alex also proved that he’s not bad at defending, as he showed pace and determination to get back and clear the ball onto our cross bar, after the Thameside striker had broken clear and lifted the ball over Webby.

Clements extended their lead before the break, with Ryan once again providing easy pickings for our strikers.  His rasping shot from 20 yards hit the cross bar, and Liam reacted quickest to capitalise and walk the ball into the net after it had ricocheted off keeper and defender: 0-2.

Whilst Dale’s and Liam’s goals may have been similar to the ones they scored last week, the only similarity with the goal that killed the game was Clement’s third scorer.  Luke made one of his many positive runs into the opposition half before playing the ball to Liam who had broken down the right.  He then played a cross into the middle to meet Ryan’s perfectly timed run.  He still had a lot to do, and his volley at waist height with inside of his right boot was pure class, and sets the bar high for goal of the season: 0-3.

We were now playing with the confidence and swagger which had been so prevalent during our double winning season.  Every time someone had the ball, at least two team mates were demanding it, and we broke at pace and in numbers as people sensed the chance of scoring a goal or two.  Even Eye-Ball was getting in on the act, and was putting himself in contention for DOTD with some woeful attempts on goal.  However, Liam was somewhat harshly awarded this honour when he put a header wide from 6 yards with the goal at his mercy.

The last twenty minutes turned into a bit of an anti-climax.  It was ridiculously hot, which might have contribute to the lethargy that seemed to have infected everyone on the pitch.  The one positive was the introduction of Rob and Jonny, who continued the good work of Alex, Brian, Luke and Eye-Ball to ensure that we earned a well-deserved clean sheet.

We may not have scored as many goals as we would have liked, but there were so many positives to take from this game.  None more so than the performance of Harry, who stood head and shoulders above everyone else on the pitch, and deservedly won MOTM.  Every time he got the ball he seemed to create time and space with a combination of strength and nimble footwork which must have left the opposition feeling bamboozled and physically sick.  He never tried to do too much, and looked for and found a team mate before there was any risk of being dispossessed.   I know that it is early days, but with Sharpy’s careful nurturing, it looks like Harry might finally be coming of age.  If only we could convince him that an early night with a hot cup of cocoa is the best way to spend his Saturday nights.

Well done boys, and let’s be ready to put in the extra effort that will be required in two weeks to make sure the momentum isn’t lost.

Eye-Ball

Next game: Sunday 12^th October @ Home v Staines United.

Goal scoring chart