Fulham - Charlotte Church: Proof that money can't buy you class. But
could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow.
Birmingham - Pamela Anderson: Used to look good in the cups but now a
declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing
to.
Wigan - Davina McCall: Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted
above their ability.
Portsmouth - Girls Aloud: Only one real class act among the hastily
assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked
the occasional admiring glance.
Sunderland - Kerry Katona: Once the people's favourite but now an
embarrassment. Fun while it lasted - now disappear from where you came,
please.
Spurs - Keira Knightley: Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive
English spine. And proof that two little ones up front needn't be a
drawback.
Everton - Dannii Minogue: The poor relation to the more glamorous
sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any
good?
Arsenal - Jordan: Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with
expensive foreign implants.
Newcastle - Jodie Marsh: Impressive front two but embarrassing at the
back. Had surgery but need a lot more work to compete at a higher level.
Aston Villa - Dido: Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit
they had years ago.
Liverpool - Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Individually all the components look
great but stick them together and it just doesn't work.
Chelsea - Rachel Stevens: You'd rather just watch them than listen to
all that painful whining.
West Ham - Vicky Pollard: Nothing more needs saying as a teams fans
speak for themselves - Chav's in Chav's clothing
Bolton - Clare Balding: You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last
team on earth
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