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No match reports for two weeks

I'm off to Barbados tomorrow so will miss all the action for the next two weeks. Good luck lads, and if I can log on to find out the results I will do.

Eye-Ball

Oaks Athletic 1 - 1 & 1 - 2 -v- Kynoch Sports (Double Header)

Kynoch Sports 1 -1 Oaks Athletic

Another week, and another double header; this time away at The Pegasus Club to Kynoch Sports. Two hours of football on a massive pitch, against a youthful side who are definite title contenders would not be top of most of our lists as an enjoyable way to spend a Sunday morning. However, we had already shown earlier in the season that we could compete with them on this ground, when we were narrowly defeated 3-2 in the cup.

M&S hope their new Spring fashion range will appeal to the more discerning gentleman

Milesy decided to start with a 5-3-2 formation, in a hope to squeeze the play in midfield, and included Eye-Ball for his first game in 7 weeks since breaking a big toe (it should be noted at this point that sneezing was the most energetic thing Eye-Ball had done in 5 weeks, and therefore expected to play no more than 60 minutes). However, the return of Eye-Ball was small consolation for missing Al for the first time this season – who injured his foot the week before.

"Hands Up! Baby Hands Up!....." You're singing it to now!

ppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaNNeil (GK)

pppppppppRob (CB) Milly (CB) Stu (LB) (c)
pppDeano (RWB) ppppppppppppppppJason (LWB)

ppppppNathan (RM) Jimmy (CM) Eye-Ball (LM)

ppppaaaaaaaaaaaJamie (CF) Sharpy (CF)

subs: Parker, Gollum, Aaron

The early signs were not good, as The Oaks players spent much of the first half chasing shadows. We struggled to adapt to the new formation, and gave Kynoch far too much time on the ball in which to show off their individual qualities. However, we held on well at the back, and it took a cracking header from a good cross from the right to give Kynoch the lead in the first half.

Simon Cowell wonders if he should be brutally honest and tell Jamie he has as much chance of being the next pop sensation as Parker has of going a week without being abused.

Despite our lack of possession, when we were able to get the ball up to Sharpy and Jamie we looked like creating chances. Jamie, especially, showed his class and should have given The Oaks the equaliser when he finished off a cross superbly on the left side of the box. Unfortunately the spring loaded arm of the Kynoch linesman was raised in response to spotting Sharpy offside. However, he was not interfering with play and the goal should have been allowed to stand.

Having spotted Simon Cowell, Nathan decides to break out the moon-walk

Half time was reached with the score at 1-0. There were understandably a few dejected faces as we left the field; we seemed well out of our depth against a well organised and energetic Kynoch side, and when we had put the ball in the net the goal had been disallowed. The scoreline could have looked a lot worse though if it hadn’t been for a superb goal-line clearance by Milly.

Realising that things just weren’t working Milesy changed the formation and personnel. The Oaks reverted to the more familiar 4-4-2, with Eye-Ball moving to left back, and Gollum coming on to join Stu in the centre of Midfield. Aaron came on to play on the left in place of Jimmy, and Parker replaced Neil (who had a good half) in goal.

The difference was instantly visible; we started competing more for every ball and did not allow Kynoch to gain any momentum. When they did get the ball forward Parker looked confident and assured in claiming the ball and snuffling out the danger.

The referee (the infamous Graham Monk), was handling the game well (as you would expect). However he did seem to get withdrawal symptoms if he had not blown the whistle for a few minutes, and kept blowing up for niggling little fouls – more often than not against the Oaks. However, on one occasion when the decision went our way Stu capitalised on Kynoch’s slowness to re-group and lofted the ball into the area where it was met by Nathan, who deftly headed the ball into the bottom corner. 1-1.

This really brought the game to life, and both sides had good chances to snatch a winner. The match finished 1-1, with The Oaks definitely the happier of the two sides although perhaps a little disappointed to have not got all 3 points.

Oaks Athletic 1 -2 Kynoch Sport

After a quick breather and another bite of the banana The Oaks headed back onto the field to do it all again. Tinkerman Milesy again did a quick bit of squad rotation, which was partly enforced by Milly’s ever-present injury worries. So Eye-Ball moved to right-back, Deano partnered Rob in the centre, Jason came on at left-back and Neil tagged out Parker (hey! Weren’t you guys The Natural Disasters!).

Parker and Neil in the good old days when they had finely tuned bodies and facial hair to die for.

ppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaNNeil (GK)

pppEye-Ball (RB) Rob (CB) Deano (CB) Jason (LB)

pNathan (RM) Gollum (CM) Stu (CM) (c) Aaron (LM)

ppppaaaaaaaaaaaSharpy (CF) Jamie (CF)

subs: Parker, Jimmy, Milly

Like wounded dogs Kynoch bounced back strongly, and it wasn’t long before they took the lead when they cut straight through the centre of the Oaks defence, with the striker finishing coolly.

It could easily have been much worse had it not been for Neil, who was caught out of position when Deano and Eye-ball failed to deal with a low cross into the box. The Kynoch striker had a seemingly easy tap in, but Neil somehow managed to get a strong hand to the ball, diving to his right, and put it behind for a corner. We were also fortunate when the Kynoch winger got clean through and lobbed Neil, only for the ball to come back off the post for Deano to clear.

It's always embarrasing when you forget to remove the coat hanger

The Oaks were really flagging at this point, and got a much needed boost when Sharpy flicked on to Jamie, who then put the ball through for Nathan to run onto one on one with the keeper. We all held our breath as Nathan’s firmly struck shot hit the on-rushing keeper, but fortunately the ball’s momentum carried it on into the net. 1-1.

We then had a great chance to take the lead as the ball fell to Aaron following a fine save to deny Jamie. Unfortunately it fell on Aaron’s considerably weaker right foot, and he was only able to strike the ball onto the crossbar and over for a goal kick. Half time came with the scores yet again level at 1-1.

Parker and Jimmy came on for Neil and Aaron for the second half, and we had made it to the last half hour of this epic encounter. Some players were really starting to feel the burn now (included yours truly – 120 minutes was not quite what I had in mind!), and it was becoming a real war of attrition. Fouls were becoming more frequent, as players were struggling to time tackles and unsurprisingly Parker was required to get us out of jail on more than one occasion.

We held out until the last 10 minutes, when Kynoch earned a corner after Parker saved well from a header. The corner was swung in, Parker flapped and missed – as did the defenders who were in close proximity – and somehow the smallest player on the pitch was able to head the ball (somewhat fortuitously) into the roof of the net.

The Oaks struggled to summon up the energy to respond, but should have been awarded a penalty if a foul had been awarded on Jimmy for a similar type of push which had been consistently punished everywhere else on the pitch. The game finished 2-1, and we limped off disappointed to have not got more points, but happy with the determined performance.

Well played lads, and I hope you’re not hurting as much as I am!

Next Match: Sunday 1st March v Concept B @ Home – 10:30 K.O.

Goal Scoring Chart:

Next Fixture Sunday 22nd February - Correction

Please note that this Sunday's game is at the Pegasus Club. It's a double header.

Oaks Athletic 2 - 1 & 4 - 1 -v- Asda Tilbury (Double Header)

There were no freak weather conditions to affect today’s matches, and this double header against Asda Tilbury gave The Oaks an opportunity to earn six much needed points. However, Asda are not the whipping boys they once were – as displayed by their good mid-table league position – and therefore The Oaks would need to battle hard and fight for every ball if they were to get maximum points from these two 60 minute matches.

Due to my absence these reports will be short and sweet, and thanks to Parker for providing the vital information. These double headers are definitely a squad game and super tanned Milesy (I assume he must be after spending two weeks in the Dominican Republic – avoiding the snow!), had 14 players to choose from. The line-up for the first game was as follows:

ppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaNParker (GK)

pppDeano (RB) Rob (CB) Milly (CB) Stu (LB) (c)

pNathan (RM) Gollum (CM) Jimmy (CM) Bill (LM)

ppppaaaaaaaaaaaAl (CF) Sharpy (CF)

subs: Neil, Jamie, Aaron

Stat of the week: I could be wrong, but I do believe this if the first time Milesy has selected the same team, in the same formation, for two consecutive matches!

Rumour has it that some football was played in the first half, with both sides kicking the quasi-spherical leather object towards the opposition's goal. However neither side managed to merge object and net, and the score at half-time was 0-0.

Milesy rung the changes for the second half with Parker paying the price for not scoring by being replaced in goal by Neil (you really should try harder Parker!). Aaron replaced Bill and Jamie came on for Gollum.

The second half saw Robo-Rob requiring treatment for a cut above his eye. The “slap some Vaseline on it” treatment worked a treat, and he was able to continue.

Robo-Rob - It takes more than a slight flesh wound to keep down this warrior

Things did not look good when The Oaks went behind after a long range free-kick from Asda evaded Neil and ended up in the back of the net. 1-0 to Asda.

The Oaks were not prepared to give up without a fight, and started to pile on the pressure. The equaliser didn’t come until injury time, when The Oaks won a corner. Deano has looked like our most dangerous player from corners in recent weeks, and he finally got the goal he deserved when he headed home from close range. 1-1.

I have received a quote straight from Milesy, who says that “we should have won both games by a lot more; we were really good”. I can therefore only assume that justice was done when, before the full-time whistle, another corner from Nathan was met by a bullet header from Sharpy, and the Oaks had won 2-1!

Oaks Athletic 4 -1 Asda Tilbury

I imagine that Asda must have been devastated to have lost via two injury time goals, and would have wanted nothing less than to have to go on for another 60 minutes. On the contrary The Oaks were on a high, and took the momentum of the victory into the second match. Milesy again made good use of the versatile squad at his disposal to put out the following team:


ppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaNNeil (GK)

pppDeano (RB) Rob (CB) Milly (CB) Stu (LB) (c)

pNathan (RM) Gollum (CM) Sharpy (CM) Aaron (LM)

ppppaaaaaaaaaaaAl (CF) Jamie (CF)

subs: Parker, Bill, Jimmy

Deano again stole the show as he put the Oaks in front with another header. Apparently he hadn’t learnt his lesson after having his clothes stolen a couple of weeks ago, and promptly dropped his shorts claiming someone had spat on them! There is no photographic evidence to support this claim, but below is an artist’s impression from an eye-witness account:

If Deano is really a stick man he wouldn't wear shorts anyway; so what's all the fuss about!

Jamie very rarely fails to get on the score sheet, and today was no exception as he pounced on a parried shot/cross to put the oaks 2-0 up. The fact that The Oaks maintained their two goal advantage going into half time was helped by a great save from Neil to deny the Asda striker. It also meant that both Neil and Parker can claim a clean sheet for their day’s work.

Milesy ensured everyone got at least an hour of football by bringing on Parker (for Neil), Bill (for Aaron) and Jimmy (for Sharpy) for the second half.

Deano was again involved in a key moment in the game, as his handball in the area handed Asda a lifeline, which they duly took to make the score 2-1.

The nerves were settled a bit when a long kick upfield from Parker was headed on by Nathan to Al, who lashed the bouncing ball past the Asda trolley (I mean keeper of course), who could only stand and watch.

Al was obviously looking to take advantage of the fact that the Oaks top scorer was watching from the sideline when he doubled his tally with a neat finish following some good link up play between Nathan and Bill. 4-1 to the Oaks.

This rounded off a great day at the office for the Oaks; 6 points in the bag at a vital part of the season. Well done lads and I’ll see you next week.

Eye-Ball

Next Match: Sunday 22nd Feb v Concept B @ Home – 10:30 K.O.

Goal Scoring Chart

Match Reporter goes AWOL

Sorry lads, but I'm not going to be able to come and watch the match this Sunday as I have an all day rehearsal for this musical (shameless advertising below). If you fancy coming to watch don't think your going to see Eye-Ball prancing around in leggings.

I'll be well hidden in the pit playing lots of bum notes (there's an innuendo waiting to happen there).

Good Luck!

Eye-Ball

Oaks Athletic 2 - 1 Woodlands United

I've got to watch this lot again! They'd better win this time or you'll be taking yourself for walks in future!

First an interesting fact: a desert is defined as an area lacking sufficient water or rainfall for hardly any vegetation to grow. This therefore makes Antarctica the largest desert in the world! So if I were to describe the conditions at Blackshots this morning as “desert-like” you’ll understand that we weren’t exactly slapping on the factor 50 and searching for an Oasis. With the wind-chill factor making it feel like minus brass monkies degrees Celsius, this was definitely not a game for the faint hearted.

Definition of sadomasochism: kicking people in artic conditions whilst wearing shorts and a t-shirt

Where the Oaks found the energy to grind out a hard fought victory is uncertain, but maybe it was the thought of the smug look on Manager Milesy’s face as he suns himself in the Dominican Republic that provided some inspiration. Captain Stu had the job of team selection in Milesy’s absence (though I’m sure he’d had his say), with the biggest change being the replacement of the ever-present Neil between the sticks. Neil himself would confess he has made a few mistakes of late, and these can get to you after a while, and maybe being relieved of the pressure of being the last line of defence would do him good. Parker was therefore asked to come out of retirement, and take up the familiar position behind the Oaks back four.

ppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaNParker (GK)

pppDeano (RB) Rob (CB) Milly (CB) Stu (LB) (c)

pNathan (RM) Gollum (CM) Jimmy (CM) Bill (LM)

ppppaaaaaaaaaaaAl (CF) Sharpy (CF)

subs: Aaron, Neil

The heavy defeats in the two previous matches were bound to leave scars, and The Oaks started in tentative fashion. Sharpy’s attempt to wake up the defence with an attempted back-pass from the kick-off didn’t help, and Woodlands supplied much of the pressure in the opening 20 minutes of the half. However, the Oaks’ defence held firm, and apart from some good claims Parker didn’t need to make any saves of particular note. All in all it was a scrappy first half – which is maybe not surprising given the conditions – and the half finished with the scores level at 0-0.

Gollum running; very rarely captured on film, very frequently caught.

The game really came to life in the second half, but with still little to choose between the sides and no break-through after 20 minutes, I must admit I was wondering if this might be the first 0-0 draw of the season.

However, I needn’t have worried, as the game was made more interesting when Woodlands took advantage of a poor clearance and the ball was slotted into the bottom corner; 1-0 to Woodlands.

Al has blantanly taken a bung in the "spot the ball" competition

This proved to be the kick up the backside that was needed, and The Oaks increased the tempo in search of an equaliser. The chances started to come more frequently, with the tireless Sharpy having the best one when he was played through by Bill, and did all the hard work to leave himself one-on-one with the keeper. Unfortunately his finishing let him down (rarely the case at present), and he failed to test the keeper.

Quess what happens next.... Answers on a postcard

Not only were we causing their defence more problems, with Bill and Nathan giving great support to Al and Sharpy, but the dogged work of Jimmy and Gollum in midfield made it impossible for Woodlands to keep possession you could see them starting to wilt.

Only professional footballers can afford to be hacked off by fans throwing coins at them.

Although we were now dominating it was still a relief when the equaliser came, and once again it was our top marksman Sharpy who found the net. The ball was fed to him on the left hand side of the box by Al, and initially Sharpy was hoping to play in Bill, but frustrated that Bill didn’t have the same idea he decided to shoot instead. And aren’t we glad he did as we watched the ball glide over the keeper and into the far corner of the net to cries of “Feed the Tag and he will score!” If Bill wants to claim the assist I think he has a good shout!

Having gone in front in the last couple of games and then gone on to lose, we seemed to be finding coming back from behind a much more pleasurable experience, and having found the equaliser the Oaks pushed on for a winner. Good chances fell to Bill – who hit the post with a rasping shot from the edge of the box – and Deano, whose attempt from a corner was well saved.

Deano has one final attempt at clearing the Human High Jump

The first rule of playing in defence for the Oaks is “keep an eye on Rob”. We definitely don’t want to discourage him from getting forward – his 5 goals prior to today show what a valuable goal poacher he is. However, we are often taken as much by surprise as the opposition by his unannounced desertions from the back four. There were no complaints today though, as he popped up in the six yard box just in time to meet a cross from Sharpy and give the Oaks the lead.

The moment The Oaks took the lead! Captured on Film! I thank you.

If we thought it might be backs to the wall stuff for the last 15 minutes we were wrong; Nathan and Al were linking up brilliantly on the right and causing the opposition all sorts of problems and we wanted every ball more than they did. What also helped was the apparent lack of team spirit and togetherness displayed by Woodlands, who basically decided to fight amongst themselves. This was in stark contrast to every man in an Oaks shirt (both on and off the pitch), who wanted to play for each other and give 100% for the team.

Two stand-out examples of this were Jimmy chasing back 20 yards to win back the ball after being dispossessed in midfield, and Al running back the length of the pitch to clear the ball after Woodlands tried to hit us on the counter attack following a corner at the other end.

The game ended with Aaron having one last final crack at goal, and in the end it looked like a comfortable 2-1 victory.

Oh yes, very funny. What use is the RSPCA hot-line number to me with these paws!

I was truly proud to be associated with Oaks Athletic today; well done lads. We know we’re not going to win every week, but if we continue to play for each other as a team we can always walk away with our heads held high.

I should quickly add that the referee did a fine job today. Woodlands are a notoriously difficult team to keep under control, and he handled everything fairly and firmly.

Eye-BallDeano lives to regret giving up his shirt when he discovers some unmentionable has knicked his clothes from the changing room

Next game: Sun 8th February v Greyhound (Double Header) @ Blackshots – 10:30 KO

Goal Scoring Chart: